Monday, May 27, 2013


So I'm in the joint, May of 2000; not because I'm a criminal, but because I have no direction. I have no reason.

And all I'm good for, is drawing stuff. I'm drawing stuff for the denizens of county, for coffee, for colored pencils, when I decide to draw my favorite actress, Gwyneth Paltrow. One sketch, and she became the one real thing in my life. I don't know why. I don't know why all the real people in my life seemed so less than real. I don't know why she was so vivid, so tangible, so very much that girl. But from one sketch I fell, from hundreds I continue to fall; and from this life I continue to lead, this girl that I've never met is more my truth than the air that I breathe.

Gwyneth Paltrow, I love you. I don't know why, I cannot say that I care why, I can say that I shall always love you. For you are my why.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


I had to say it.

Some people, wanna use the "S" word. I ain't stalking no Gwyneth Paltrow. Ridiculous. I come up on her, she gives me the "raised eyebrow," and I'm done. Melted, or exploded, or... just lost. I'm so in love with Gwyneth, just looking at her makes my whole body tingle. Girls I encounter that look like her, slay me. 

Stalker my ass. I'm gonna love her from way the fuck over here, where it is safe. Where neither heads nor hearts explode. Where she need not fear me for my fear of her reigns supreme. Yeah, I'm afraid of her. I'm wrapped around her simulated finger. Her real finger would erase me.

I love her.

Too much - way too much - but I'll leave the stalking to the clowns. If you don't mind...

Monday, May 20, 2013

A curious habit...

Some people think my habit of watching Gwyneth video a frame at a time is a little strange, but there's a perfectly logical explanation...

Stills produce the accidental Gwynnies. Looks of hers not staged to draw, or in this case, to draw on. What is strange is how fascinating this girl remains.


Saturday, May 18, 2013


She's neurotic. Driven by obsessive perfectionism. At times whiny, moody; at times, a stunning bitch.

Love is not blind, love is blinding. A perpetual state of wonderment. I love being in love with my Gwynnies. She's Kate, I met one time at the party, and the twenty four minutes we shared, relived every morning.

I'm fat. Lazy and unambitious. At times whiny, moody; at times a stunning bitch.

Friday, May 17, 2013

My Gwynnies?

I can just imagine Gwyneth going, "your Gwynnies!?!? I'll give you a your Gwynnies!"

Wait! I can explain! It's witchcraft!

Are you calling me a witch?!?!

Well... you did devour my soul...

Witchcraft, in the sense that words have a certain power, and the naming of things among the most powerful words of all. After saying for years, "I love Gwyneth Paltrow," I had to ask myself, do I? Really?

The answer to that question was, yes; but in 2005 I realized I was in love with the "Gwyneth Paltrow" from 2001. At the same time, I'm quite smitten by the Gwyneth from 2011, pictured above. However, I have no claim upon the person of Gwyneth. I had to further ask myself, upon what do I have a claim?

My Gwynnies. The hundreds of likenesses of her I have drawn, the hundreds of images liberated from magazines and tacked upon my wall, but most importantly, the mathematical theology that is "I love my Gwynnies."

Gwyneth Paltrow is a girl; I don't care if she's married, I adore her. Gwyneth Paltrow is also a corporate product, marketed and sold to a global population of consumers; and yeah, I'm sold on that product. Thus, the my in my Gwynnies can be said to merely emphasize brand loyalty.

Yet what it really emphasizes is the extent to which my identity - my name - is entangled with my love for this most wonderful of creatures.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I've been told that my infatuation with Gwyneth exists merely because I find her beautiful, and that when her beauty fades, so too will my fascination. I've been told that I cannot love her without knowing her, that physical attraction is causing me to confuse hormones with emotion, that calling it love avoids the stigma of obsession.

Is this beautiful?

I'm convinced. I just spent the last three hours collecting screenshots of an episode of Glee to share on my Gwynnies facebook, observing her lines and wrinkles and blemishes, the awkward poses caught in still frame, and she was never anything less than beautiful.

I don't know how drawing her led me to fall in love with her, but I do know her beauty is not just her appearance, but also her personality, her character, her passion and compassion. She is smart and funny, spontaneous and exuberant, a joy to be around who lights up the room with her brilliant smile and the sparkle in her eye...

OK... gag... what it boils down to, is not that I love Gwyneth because she is beautiful, but rather that Gwyneth is beautiful because I love her. And that beauty shall never fade.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Bye-bye Gwynnies!

After this two-month media saturation to promote her book and movie, Gwyneth is going to be taking a well-earned break. And I'm already going through withdrawal. :'(

I love her, I love seeing her, I wanna see her all the time! Of course I also love to not-see her knowing she is with her family and relaxing. Dang conflicts!

And now that the public eye is moving on, I can move on to drawing me some more Gwynnies. There you go, triumph in adversity. :D

Sunday, May 12, 2013

How I fell in love with Gwyneth

My Gwynnie thing turns thirteen this week. People ask me, how can you be so crazy over a girl you never met?

Like this...

I drew her. I liked it. I did it again.

...and again...

...and again. Lots. The one above is a twelve hour photo manipulation of a picture of  a T shirt...

...which looks more like a rag, but one that devoured seventy hours of my life. :D

I mean thousands of hours staring into her eyes and taking her likeness. It's ridiculous. I don't recommend it. :D

Friday, May 10, 2013

Addled, Bro

 photo image_zps2459c763.jpg
 photo image_zps4654ade8.jpg
 photo image_zps61bcef27.jpg
 photo image_zps416caa72.jpg
 photo image_zps1576336e.jpg
 photo image_zps777cf9b0.jpg

In case you're wondering what else I do besides obsess over Gwyneth? Walk my dog, and look at the pretty colors. I'm pretty uncomplicated.


Daily Mail said my Gwynnies "nearly unrecognizable" in the following image...

...and I was like, that's my Gwynnies! Lemme explain. Ever do crack? :D

I used to do crack, now she is my crack. When I look at her, watch her, think about her, my brain gets to making some crack, and I get all silly/happy. What one has to do with the other, is that sometimes I recognize her features on other women, and have a moment. :D

I'm thinking I'd always recognize my Gwynnies. <3

Thursday, May 9, 2013

In The Beginning...

Gwyneth Paltrow created me. From me, the universe.

I got plenty of opening lines.

I remember standing before the creator of the universe and accepting the title of prophet.

Got a memory like that? Lemme tell ya, that's a memory of utility. ;)

But, what the fuck, is utility. If it is not science. Don't matter if I can do magic, what matters if magic can be... declassified. I had to become an amateur scientist before I could feel I was a prophet. If that sounds unscientific, I could tell you about faith fishing concepts from the void. It's like, a whole 'nother story. :D

I used to draw her portraits, because I loved to, because I loved her. Now I draw myself for her, in a portrait of words, and gods, and the spaces between... spaces.

I ain't talkin' to you no morez!

Stumbling through the tumblr yesterday, I came across this article... ...which made me smile. I can just see her going, I ain't talkin' to you no morez! Meanie! 

When I developed a simulation of her personality in my mind based upon movie roles and interviews, I didn't just keep to words I wanted to hear. I also considered the impression garnered from her by her detractors. I tried to fit all the variables together to discover what kind of person would receive such varied reviews, rather than just dismiss the nay-sayers out of hand.

Of course, there's gonna be some haters, but I have developed, mostly unconsciously, a personality simulation which I feel is Gwyneth - of course, I'm not going to ask her any time soon.

I think she is a self-centered elitist, but not intentionally or through malice - and that's about as close as I'm going to come saying anything negative about her. Mostly she's just sweet and adorable.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Crazy Talk

Sometimes, I have to wonder, Does Gwyneth read this kind of stuff? Does she stumble over her tags on the Internet? Do her contemporaries point her in this kind of direction? 

And, considering such happenstance, How do you tell someone you're not crazy without sounding crazy?

All this? Tends to sound pretty crazy. I wake up singing, I love my Gwynnies! Drink some coffee as I search the Internet for news and images of Gwyneth to post on my "I love my Gwynnies" facebook page, come here to write in my "I love my Gwynnies" blog... or preach the gospel of the living word of Gwynnite on atheist forums... or draw her on my wall...

That sounds very freaking crazy. :D

But what makes crazy, crazy, is unpredictability. Insanity causes general apprehension in that no one knows what an insane person will do. Society has standards and decorum that its members expect to be expressed in each other, and a forty five year old guy bouncing up and down like a teenage girl over One Direction; only over Gwyneth Paltrow, is kind of... non-standard deviation.

Yet, rest assured, I'm always gonna bounce around over my Gwynnies.

So, my dearest Gwyneth, if you are reading this, know that you are loved. Like crazy.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Gwyneth the Vampire Slayer

Anybody ever ask you, wouldn't you want to be young again?

Do I want to be John Cantor again? Not just no, but hell, no. If I'm gonna go through that...

I'm gonna be a young David Boreanaz. Gwyneth Paltrow is gonna star in a certain television series...

And as they say, que cera, cera.

I Am what I Am not

I read some psychobabble the other day that went like this - and I paraphrase - Identity is developed by Identifying what it is not. To play along...

I'm not a stalker. I'm not a creep. I don't have an altar. I have a job.

That job is prophet. Prophet works for God. God is Unknowable. And what is known?

Gwyneth Paltrow.


Gwyneth Paltrow.

Close enough.

Obsession merely obsesses. Love needs expression. The above, before, merely a demonstration of that expression. Drew her a hundred times, over the course of thousands of hours. Wrote her a million words. Still.

But... no f'in way, would I live that lifestyle. Have a thousand cameras outside my door. Have every moment available for every criticism. And as to love is to free, I couldn't make her be like me. So, no.

See how quickly I don't want to possess her?

I'd much rather be possessed by her.

Gwynnies Everywhere!

Promoting a cookbook, a movie, doing openings, and covering magazines left and right - lots and lots of Gwynnies!

The girl is not in my life, yet the girl is my life. I've deduced some personality from interviews and roles, induced some personality from drawing and dreams; I paper my nest with her image. (Well, not as bad as it used to be... my old nest... I'g get more than the look above for that one.)

And now this is my job. So I know what time it is. Only, it is time to revel in the Gwynnies everywhere else.

Happy days. :D

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Profound Essence of Simplicity

I Love My Gwynnies.

My absolute truth. That every moment of my being has that shorthand. But what is that "absolute truth?" When I'm hungry, when I'm dirty, when I'm tired?

That I awake. Again. When there is no need. So that I love Gwyneth Paltrow, that is where I have more to say, to live... to love all. I can do nothing for Gwyneth but share the love that is Gwyneth to All. Sure, it's kinda corny, but... it works.

It always works.

That's love. If I knew her, I wouldn't love her as much.

I Love My Gwynnies!

In the history of numerology and theology, the summation of the sacred texts reduces to:


Where Nothing creates Everything. Love is Void. Thus, the 4 glyphs of my being - 1/0/2/3.

I is one; my indicative of duality; Gwyneth, beyond all mortal comprehension. Did I mention, I love that girl? So, the purpose of this exercise is to write the Living Word of Gwynnite, where I surf the web and hate on  all the haters of Gwyneth Paltrow. ;)

They say, hate is not love. But Love that is not Void requires a vector. Do you love your wife? Your daughter? Your sister? Your Ma? That's a vector. Direction and magnitude. And the opposite direction is? Class?

Satan! satan... satan... nah. Just the blind spot. But this "blind spot" is energetic. What we love, tells us what we hate.

This is John Cantor, signing off. In orbit around Gwyneth Paltrow, the Sun. ;)

May your orbit never decay.